My oldest and I were in Kansas City, staying in a way-out-of-our-budget hotel in downtown. Any traveling sports parents will know the kind, all I need to say is “play to stay.” If you are unfamiliar with the sort, tournaments (or showcases) will partner with a hotel chain, and your registration to play, is you must stay in the designated hotel. This particular tournament had booked up the affordable and relatively close hotels within minutes, leaving the us with hotels that leaned more towards “anniversary get away” vibes than ‘ball tournament with “stinky ball player” vibes. None the less, we went, knowing this would be the only big tournament we could swing that summer. I was pumped for some time one on one with my boy, as well as getting a chance to connect with some KC friends while we were in town for the long weekend.
The team advanced through the tournament, headed to the finals. We played the first game of the day, which meant warm ups and BP would be around 7 am. Our fancy hotel was 40 minutes away from the field, so a dad offered to take a carload of boys early. I accepted his offer, and used the morning to pack up our room with makeshift uniform washing stations, coolers of snacks and buckets of laundry. I had instructions to bring Gatorade and protein shakes for breakfast, as I would arrive just in time for the break before the game. The parking garage was the basement level. You know the kinds, with large concrete pillars and narrow spots, and a ceiling that feels awfully close to the roof of your SUV.
I got the last of many loads taken down, finagling the bags, swiping the key to open the door in and out, and already sweating like I had sat outside all day in July. I swiped in one last time, checked out and headed to the basement level with time to spare to grab our breakfast. As I head to the drivers side door I notice how close, or shall we say, over, the car next to me is. I barely squeezed in, put it in reverse and began to back out.
Quickly, I realize that any margin I lost to the left was impossible to correct as I had parked next to a concrete wall. The spot seemed perfect the night before when no one else was parked in the neighboring stall. “No big deal, I will just back straight up and make it a 20 point turn if I need to.”
Within seconds my rear and front sensors are going off, increasing my already rapid heartbeat. I am pretty sure I embarrassingly shouted “YEAH I KNOW I AM CLOSE!” to the car at one point. If I cranked slightly to the left I would swipe the car against the wall, the the right, the other car. I pulled in the mirrors and hoped in and out with each turn. The cars behind me were placed in such a way that I couldn’t back straight up and still have clearance to turn. I maneuvered for 30 minutes.
I was stuck. I needed help.
I turned the car off and ran to the elevator doors so I could ask for a staff member to stand outside my car and help be another set of eyes. The light turned red and rejected the swipe. Oh, that’s right, I checked out. I could feel tension and panic begin as I was loosing time, and the reality of how impossible it was to get out of the dangerous spot. I called the front desk, and they assured me there was no possible way to find the owner of the car pinching me in, I would have to just wait until they moved it. That could be minutes, that could be days. They told me they didn’t have anyone to send down at the time, as it was earlier than most day shifts began, but would call other departments. Then the comment I was dreadfully thinking, they said. “We don’t recommend vehicles your size park in the front of the garage, it’s best to park in the more open areas in the back or lower levels” I knew it, this was my fault.
Feeling stuck, helpless with a side of shame is not a cocktail any of us want to order. Yet, we can all imagine times were this is our reality.
I called my husband, the master of reverse, who has backed up large trailers with big construction vehicles with ease. Surely he had a magic trick I had not thought of. We facetimed the situation, and he agreed. There was no way out without damaging our car or someone else’s. Soon, a couple men in bike onesies came out of the hotel, and that quiet early morning didn’t seem so helpless. I showed them the situation and asked if they could spare a few minutes to help guide me. They declined as they kept walking and said they had to get to a ride soon. To make matters worse, they chuckled at me as they walked past and headed to their car, dismantling their bikes and airing up tires as they stood by the trunk. Due to the elevation of the garage, they were literally looking down at me, all while watching me back up, and back in. Over and over.
I’ve moved on to being stuck, helpless, with a side of shame, and being mocked.
Rattled beyond belief, I texted the team chat I had no idea when I would get out, and asked if a fellow mom could find something for my son to eat. I was too late. The game was starting and he was playing. Another blow.
I was mad at myself for not knowing better. I was mad at the other person who made it worse, heck I could blame it on them entirely if I wanted “If THEY had never even parked here….”
I was mad that the people who I paid to stay with wouldn’t send any one. I was mad my misfortune delighted the jerks who watched vs helped.
I was backed into a corner with literally no way out on my own. Those basement walls began to press in, and that dark ceiling was falling. I sat in my car and cried. I felt completely alone and mad. I had sat through 5 games where my son didn’t play, and finally he did and I wasn’t there. A million triggering scenarios played through my head. Fear is good at that.
A man was in my peripheral vision wandering around looking through the glass to the lobby elevators. I wondered if he was looking for me. Considering my current emotional state and the elevated anxiety I was in, I discounted that ANYONE was helpful any more in the world. Feeling stuck can do that to you, cause you to assume the world is out to get you. I just stayed sat down in the drivers seat as well as in my insecurity.
After several minutes passed, I felt this nudge in me to flag him down, against my pride, not to be made a fool again. Yet I was in no place to not try- I was DESPERATE.
He opens the door and said “I was told there was a woman who can’t get out her spot but I didn’t see anyone who looked in trouble.”
It was then that I realized my hiding delayed my deliverance.
He was dressed in a maintenance uniform. “I’m Dan,” he said as he wiped his hands on the rag tucked in his pocket and shook my hand. “Well miss, you are in a mess, huh? It may take a minute and lots of patience but we gonna get you out. Go ahead and turn your camera and sensors off and just roll that window down and listen to me.”
My wheels squeaked as Dan directed me inches at time, ensuring me I was ok although the mirrors made me feel dangerously close to damage. When I made that last crank of the wheel, he said “straighten her on out, you’re FREE!”
The halogen lights in the basement flickered on and off. My entire body temperature changed and I began to laugh uncontrollably. It was relief. It was a physical response to not only my adrenal system being entrapped but a spiritual revelation God had been teaching me over the years. Holy Spirit was dancing throughout that parking garage and I felt like a child in awe of a holiday parade. When I turned around to hop out and high five Dan, he was nowhere to be found. I leaned back in my seat and felt The Lord’s Father like heart for me, revealing a little something behind the curtain. You know when your mom or dad lets you in on something only they know? Yeah, I felt that.
I couldn’t help but begin to worship, shouting the lyrics to “Way maker” as loud as I could. I startled myself as I forgot my window was still down, and my voice echoed through the garage. As I climbed my way up the basement incline, those men who had laughed at me watched as I drove by. Now, I am not one to flippantly flip anyone off, (pun intended!) but I knew someone needed the bird. I saved my gesture for the devil and shouted “I bet your mom is proud!” as I drove by. Not my most mature move, But I was free and I had my authority back.
Over the last year I have replayed this day, asking God to reveal more. Was Dan an angel? Were the men who stood and watched demons? Were they humans influenced by the like? Did the lights flash because the supernatural God demonstrated himself to me through this situation the way He guided the Israelites out of Egypt? Am I foolish to even compare the two experiences? I hope to unpack this the rest of my walk with Jesus, in fact, I hope to encounter Him more and more so that I can know more about this supernatural help we have in the Holy Spirit. Today, I know this experience has taught me these things I hope encourage you with today:
- We will get stuck. If it’s not by our own choices, it will be by someone else’s.
- There will be times where we will be backed in a corner with what seems like no way out. In a believers life, this will manifest strongly in our minds. Spiritual warfare will often not appear as creepy devils lurking about, but more like feeling helpless, with no way out. All we will notice is how alone we appear, how unfair it is, and how terrible everyone else is. Help seems like a waste. It feels like the only solution is to keep quiet and man up, or stay stuck. Satan loves to isolate and infuriate a man or woman of God to avoid activating the Holy Spirit.
- We can choose to ask for guidance or damage ourselves or others going it alone.
- It only takes one time of being hurt, shamed, or mocked for us to assume every church, therapist, and pastor isn’t going to help. We need to be patient with ourselves and others who are hesitant to ask for help. Going it alone was never God’s plan for us. Trying to do it alone can do just as much damage as focusing on those who aren’t willing to help. We just stay stuck.
- Shame is an assignment to hide you from deliverance.
- Dan was looking for me, but I was hiding. The devil will distract us from freedom. I wonder how many times he set out to delay God’s work in my life through distracting me with people or situations that sucked my time, energy and outlook. We get so angry with God that He isn’t helping us, yet we focus on situations and voices that remove us from seeing His help in our life.
- Deliverance is not a one sized fits all process.
- God may choose to remove the “other car” immediately, or he may choose to increase your patience and do it inch by inch. When working through pain, bondage or trauma with others, or our own, this is a good reminder for us as well. Deliverance may be a slow and steady work with a trusted set of spiritual eyes guiding us. Free is Free. May we be grace-filled with ourselves and others as we keep our eyes on Christ to guide.
- God is asking us to turn down the noise, and stop relying on the world to navigate for us.
- I couldn’t listen to Dan and have the sensors on. They would have drown out his voice. I couldn’t rely on cameras over a set of eyes. It’s impossible to be in the drivers seat and stand outside of the car. There are voices and perspectives that claim to be helping us, but in reality are keeping us stuck. The choice to turn some influences off or down in my life has been the hardest, yet most impactful on my spiritual growth.
- The local church/ body of Christ are just as responsible to answer the call of a hurting world as pastors and leaders. If you are “mechanic” of the faith, don’t disqualify God’s ability to use you.
Whether I find myself stuck in spiritual corner or on the side of a responder, God powerfully used that moment in the parking garage. The Holy Spirit will continue to pump the brakes, and crank the wheel of our lives if we allow him the authority.
There is no greater joy than serving a God who backs you out of impossible corners.
Abbe Doll
abbedoll.com 